Thursday, March 18, 1999

Porn Stars Bang Out Rock Album
By Kathleen Hancock

What better accompaniment exists for the week of fun-filled, testosterone-driven, beer-soaked debauchery we call Spring Break than an album entitled Porn to Rock?

The answer: pretty much anything.

Porn to Rock is a compilation album put together by, you guessed it, porn stars. The album's 13 tracks feature songs from adult film stars such as Hyapatia Lee, Suzi Suzuki and Vinnie Spit. The entire package gives a whole new meaning to the statement "don't quit your day job."

Don't get me wrong, there are a few selections that showcase the talents these adult film stars have other than flexibility and the ability to shoot ping pong balls from an orifice(s) other than theirmouths.

The first track, Madison's "Man on the Moon" is a twangy pop song with attitude as well as decent vocals. Aside from that, Madison does get credit for being one of two artists who chose to sing about something other than their previously chosen profession.

Suzi Suzuki showcases the most potential talent out of the group with her ballad, "Calypso Shower." She has a genuinely beautiful voice but loses points for her lyrics, which, with preschool-level rhymes, tell the story of a girl who has to strip to support her loser boyfriend.

Midori, with "5, 10, 15, 20" contributes most to Porn to Rock with a saucy hip-hop track from a stripper's perspective. In other words, the title indicates the succession of bills that a stripper will take from her willing customers.

The real entertainment derived from Porn to Rock, however, may be in its comic value.

Candye Kane's "The Meat Song," for instance, makes every phallic food reference imaginable from "hot-links" to "pig in a blanket."

Nina Whett, whose bio of impressive credentials proudly proclaimed her as a "five year champion oil wrestler," makes her offering to Porn to Rock with a song entitled "Drink Beer and Fuck." Consisting of what sounds like a loop of Whett angrily repeating this endearing title, while backed with panting and moaning, I think I prefer Jimmy Buffet's more mellow version, "Why Don't We Get Drunk and Screw?"

The kicker, however, is "Asshole Man," by Vinnie Spit featuring Mistress Jaqueline. I won't go into much detail about the lyrics to this enticing ditty. Three words alone sum this song up: "tongue" and "toilet paper."

Porn to Rock shows the potential of some of porn's finest to go on to the (fully-clothed) stage, but goes further to provide fulfillment in the area of comic relief.